You?! No Way..

This is normally the response I am met with, when I disclose that I have suffered with anxiety and depression. And that’s exactly why I tell people. I’m in no way saying you should walk around with it printed on a t shirt, or shout it from the rooftops, But I will say that on the occasions that I have shared it, I am met with compassion, gratitude, or gentle curiosity. It’s one of the reasons that I started this blog, if I am able to help people, by sharing my experiences, then sign me up baby! I’m not surprised people are shocked when I tell them, when I was in the depths of it, I couldn’t share it, with anyone.

I really struggle to entertain small talk these days, it feels insincere to me. And sadly my busy little brain will float off during these chats to things more bright and shiny. Connecting with people on a deeper level brings me a level of joy, and satisfaction that fills my heart. (and holds my attention)

 It’s the reason that I have a smaller group of friends. I know them intimately, and they, me. So we are able to share the struggles we have, and celebrate our wins together. They fill me with the confidence to show up in the world as me, which leads to more authentic connections. It’s a gorgeous cycle.

I’m not entirely sure when the penny started to drop about just being myself, but I am so glad it did. Yeah it’s scary at first to take off the masks, but once you get used to it, you realise that it actually leaves you with so much. You are no longer second guessing your every decision, and you begin to attract people into your life who appreciate you, the real you.

For years I felt like I couldn’t be honest with my feelings, with anyone. Looking back that could be because I didn’t know how I was feeling in most moments. I was frequently consumed with overwhelm, a racing mind, and social anxiety. 

I understand now that this all falls under the umbrella of Rejection Sensitivity. Rejection feels like a gut punch, your heart shattering, the world slowing down, you’re suddenly sweaty, and feel sick to your stomach. It makes sense why us little ADHD’ers would want to avoid it at all costs.  Although back then, I didn’t know that was what was happening. I would spend all my energy worried what others thought of me, shapeshifting into whatever I thought they wanted me to be. It was exhausting, and most of the time i was getting it wrong, not to mention it’s not fair on the other person either.

No one knew me, including myself. 

 

group of volunteers ADHD highs and lows

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