Why does Romantic Love Scare Me?

scared of love sunset kiss

Is it that simple? Is it the entire concept, I don’t think so. I love my friends, family and flipping hell I love food. But when I look at love through the lens of intimacy and romance, I find that hurdles appear from nowhere, tripping me out of nowhere. 

I think truthfully my real fear is around being loved, and then left. To be loved (for me) is to be seen. But to be loved and then left, is to be rejected for who you are. Or atleast that’s how I see it sometimes. 

I no longer welcome shallow relationships into my circle, whether that’s with romantic partners, or friendships. I adore spending time with humans who are willing to discuss deep conversations, and nuanced subjects. I feel a need to connect with people on a level past small talk.  This tends to lead to periods of great joy when I’m with my friends, and paradoxically, periods of romantic loneliness. That is to say I’m often the single friend in the group. But I’m grateful to say that I don’t always feel “lonely” in those moments. 

But when I do, I find myself asking the above question, am I afraid to allow romantic love into my life? I can say with no shame these days, that in my 20s I had a tendency of allowing people whose intentions weren’t in line with my own, into my life, mind, and sometimes my bed. 

I’m happy to say now that I have learnt from those lessons. But it does mean that I find myself experiencing true, deep, sexual, and emotional attraction in a single person, less frequently these days. When I do though, I find that I can have the tendency to allow my ADHD brain to run ahead of me. She thinks on our future together, and where we would have our outdoor wedding. My brain locks onto this whimsical dream life as if it was real. And that sometimes leaves me feeling disappointed, and grieving a future that never was. 

I am aware of this pattern in my life, and now find myself trying to detach healthily at this point in the dating game. I am still very much learning how to get to the next chapter. And I think it might result in some self reflection, and possibly a specialised therapist. 

One thing I do know for certain is I have a lot of love to give, and one day I look forward to feeling safe enough to do that.

 

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